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My deep thoughts for today....

A week into my blog and I am now understanding more than ever why I cannot continue to keep silent.  Trust me, when I opened this can of worms, I wasn't sure if I could handle it.  That's why I stopped yelling years ago.  I've been told my entire life (many times by those who loved me) that I was wrong.  You cannot continuously tell a smart person (or any person) that their feelings are incorrect.  If you do, they grow up not trusting their gut.  Because you know what?  My gut USED TO BE correct.  I believe we should listen to every child's cries for help and figure out what is really going on.  For this reason, I have been tirelessly fighting for my children's rights since they were very young.  Each of them has their own story and that is not what my blog is about.  My blog is about me telling my story and protecting the innocent who were unjustly blamed with me along the way (and trust me, I now know that I've been blaming the wrong people for years).

Want to know what is really sad?  I turned my back on most of those people along the way because I couldn't handle their pain anymore.  I've cut so many people out of my life because they were experiencing too much pain (I liked to call it "drama" back then).  If I cut them out,  I could try to protect myself from their pain.  Many people call this being an "EMPATH", I call it being a SURVIVOR.  I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the fancy labels that make other people feel better about me.

We label ourselves with politically correct names so that you will understand and believe that we have conditions and need some help.  It is easier for me to explain my fear of large crowds with my PTSD than it is for me to truly tell you that I CANNOT CONTINUE TO WATCH PEOPLE BE BULLIED.  WHEN I SEE PEOPLE IN POWERFUL POSITIONS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OTHERS AND THEIR OPPRESSION FOR FINANCIAL OR PERSONAL GAIN, I WANT TO CRAWL OUT OF MY SKIN BECAUSE I CAN SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING.  

Facebook and this pandemic has been one of the most interesting experiences of my life.  I found my people!  I can tell you who has suffered alone in silence, who is starting to understand themself, and who is far ahead of me in their own personal journey.  I used to think that something was wrong with me because I get nothing out of a crowded church but I know that their is a higher power watching over me.  I like to call my power "The Universe" because "God" is too much for me.  I've seen too many religious leaders take advantage of young children to trust any form of organized religion.  I'm definitely not leaving my young children in their care.  I don't trust "God" enough to subject my children to his care.  Want to know why?  He let me down and didn't listen to my prayers when I was a kid and young adult AND BEGGING FOR HELP.  So, I'm learning and finding my own way to be faithful.  I love talking to The Universe and I love trying to make sense of it all (mainly because I'm finally starting to see clearly).  

Survivors (like me) are not just strong people who can hold it all together.  We've built some of the largest brick walls around ourselves to protect us from the traumas of the world.  No one ever helped us when we cried for help so we learned how to defend ourselves.  Taking down my wall (sometimes one brick & sometimes more) has been the most draining and emotional thing I've ever done.  After the Las Vegas shooting, I had a very good counselor tell me that she would like to start opening this box with me but warned me that it would be painful and we needed to do it slowly.  Know what I did?  I stopped going to counseling.  I wasn't ready.  

Those of us who have been abused over the years are very good at denial and we are smart enough to know that we can't handle any more pain.  That's why the walls are there to begin with. Removing these walls has been truly awful and traumatic all over again.  I am remembering things that I repressed, the story is changing in my mind as I see more sides of it, the abusers are becoming victims, and my story is being rewritten in my head.  Want to wonder if you are going crazy?  I highly recommend that you work with a professional if you are ready to open your own Pandora's box.  

I have watched every person in my family look at me with extreme concern.  Yesterday, two of the teenagers here told me that they were worried about me (and in their eyes, I saw the worry that I had seen on everyone else's faces as well).  I understood that my family is literally scared out of their lives for me right now.  They literally all think that I am going insane or having a major PTSD episode.  You know what?  Maybe I am .... how do I know?  I've been screaming for help for so long that maybe I am crazy... 

BUT MAYBE I'M NOT... Maybe I'm exhausted and angry and finally opening my eyes to the truth.  Maybe all of this pain and truth is happening because it is my time to SHINE AGAIN!  So instead of second guessing myself (and wondering if I am having a psychotic breakdown), I am going to finally trust my gut.  It has been screaming to speak for years but I have been holding it in (and making myself sick) for years.  

Strangely, I am finding that this journey of FREE SPEECH has set me free to be my best self.  I'm beaten down and tired right now, but I've never felt more like myself.  THIS IS WHY I UNDERSTAND THE PROTESTORS.  THEY ARE PROTESTING BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT SETS THEM ON FIRE AGAIN.  

I'm going to ask again that you please be kind to each other.  Do not jump to conclusions like I have for the past 20 years.  Open your hearts and hear the people.  THEY ARE NOT FIGHTING TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER, THEY ARE TRULY TRYING TO SAVE YOU BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU. 


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Some may be wondering why I am publicly speaking about myself now.  Honestly, I believe it is part of my journey.  I've been feeling called to write a book since I was a teenager.
Since the pandemic began, I have been glued to the news and I have been SCARED.  Yes, this disease is scary and yes, the world is a mess.  

That is not what has been bothering me... THE BLATANT WAY THAT WE, AS A NATION, HAVE BEEN IGNORING THE FACTS... THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.  So, I've been trying to scream from the rooftops.  I have now had every person in my life tell me that I am getting too worked up and political.  I have been told to calm down, just live my life, and try not to stress.  I have been using my anxiety as an excuse for my behavior.  Yes, I have anxiety, but so do millions of others.  I discovered that as I use my anxiety as my excuse, I am making myself look weak and broken in other's eyes.  I am being treated with kid gloves.